It's the Life

Hi there Blog! Haven't seen you in a while.

     Just a little update.

I finished my first year at OSU with a 3.68 GPA (Not the best, but not bad at all). I took a total of 43 credits this year, but I came into school with 20 credits, so I now have 63 credits towards my biology degree. In the fall I am taking 16 credits (I think?), organic chemistry, cellular and molecular biology, physics with calculus, anthropology, a Latin technique dance class and of course, Cool Shoes (one of OSU's dance teams). I made alternate for Cool Shoes, but I've heard from many that one of the girls on the team will not be returning, which would mean I'm on the team. If not, and she stays for some reason, I'll automatically be on New Shoes (another dance team at OSU) which I would be just as happy with.

Highlights from freshman year:
-Becoming Vice President of OSU's Ballroom Dance Club
-Going to Luis Crespo West Coast Swing Weekend at OSU
-Being on an awesome team/horde of zombies for HVZ and winning the final mission
-Getting an A in integral calculus
-Living with amazing people on the 7th floor of Bloss
-Dancing (West Coast) in the basement of Bloss most nights of Spring Term
-Laser tag and pizza with seventh floor at Dixon
-Playing Fugitive/Refugee/Sardines with HVZ crew
-Movie nights and make up practice with HVZ crew
-Swimming nights with HVZ crew
-sushi and gelato with friends downtown

And so so so much more. I can't even explain how wonderful this first year of college has been. The classes, the people, the parties, the dances, the laughs, the tears, the growth, the joy; it's all been an amazing addition to my life. And I'm so thankful for being able to come to a university like this and I'm so excited to be living here in corvallis and going to school for at least 2 more years.

I'll be taking some prerequisites for a Master of Arts in Teaching program, as I'd like to go into elementary teaching. I will continue dancing as much as I'm in class/studying most likely. And somehow, I'll find time for my friends, and my family, and myself. Not to mention, some job that will take up at least 10 hours a week. Yay for money! Cause I have not very much of it. I've been working full time this summer to pay for rent/electricity/cable/food/other expenses. And I've saved a lot up but I need more in order to pay for school and continue paying rent/electricity/cable/food/other expenses. All in all the year was great, but the summer has been hard, and has been a lot of work. But not bad. Not bad, just complicated and new.

Being an adult is exactly what everyone said it would be. Difficult, rewarding, fun, frustrating, wonderful, scary, expensive, confusing, independent, etc. I really like it, but yes, money can be a challenge. And I'm struggling with the idea of not being able to finish this school year because of money. But I think I can make it work, and if so, then I'll be fine. And I'll work again all summer next year.

Wow... this is going to be 2015... Incredible. And Ruby, my niece was born March 14th 2014. One day before my sisters 21st birthday. I'm so excited to see her grow up.

I haven't gotten even remotely close to catching you up on life these last 6-8 months, but it's a start. This post is very past and future oriented and not very "now" oriented. But I'll get to that. This summer I'm trying to sort out my past and plan for the future so that once school starts, I can focus on the now. Sounds good yeah? I'll be back soon.

<3

Making it, One Day at a Time

I Dreamed a Dream

...He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came


And still I dream he'll come to me
That we'll live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather 


I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
The dream I dreamed...

Maybe

I am strong.

Each day it gets a little easier,
But some days it all gets worse. And the week of progress just disappears.

I am.
I'm lonely.
At this point I don't know if it's because I miss you,
or if I just feel disconnected from everyone.
All I know is nothing feels right.

But you probably wouldn't feel right either.
Nothing is.

Some days, simple tasks seem impossible.
Some days, everything is easy.

Was any of it real?
Was it all an illusion?

What is love really?
Is it definable? Attainable? Touchable?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybe "love" doesn't exist at all.
I suppose it all depends on point of view.

At the time it felt like the real deal.
It felt like nothing I've ever experienced.
Maybe it was just hormones. Chemicals.
Maybe...
Or maybe it is more then that.

Maybe you're all I'll ever really want.
Maybe we're meant to be together.
Maybe... Everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

Or, you know, maybe not.
Maybe not.

--

Ah, that release.
Finally.

Us.

Lie down with me,
And hold me in your arms.

Yeah I've been feeling everything,
from hate to love,
from love to lust,
from lust to truth,
I guess that's how I know you.

So if you want to be with me,
with these things there's no telling,
we just have to wait and see.

We're still here,
What a beautiful mess this is,
it's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes".
And tides ‒ they turn ‒ and hearts disfigure,
but that's no concern when we're wounded together.
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts,
But it's nice today. 
Oh, the wait was so worth it.

All I really wanna do is love you,
a kind much closer than friends use, 
but I still can't say it after all we've been through.
And all I really want from you is to feel me,
as the feeling inside keeps building...
And I will find a way to you if it kills me, 
if it kills me.

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground,
what have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

The silence isn't so bad,
'till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.

I don't wanna lose you now,
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me.
The vacancy that sat in my heart,
is a space that now you hold.
Show me how to fight for now,
and I'll tell you, baby, it was easy comin' back here to you once I figured it out,
you were right here all along.

They don't know how long it takes, waiting for a love like this.

Every time we say goodbye, I wish we had one more kiss.

I'll wait for you I promise you, I will.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend.

Lucky my ass. 

{WARNING: Sappy and Overly-Romantic}

I'm so tired.
I'm so tired of all of this.

Every time I start to feel whole again on my own,
Every time I stop feeling like I'm missing a part of myself,
Every time I finally give up,
that's when it hits me.

You hit me.

And then it starts all over again.
The pain.
The sadness.
The nostalgia, so bitter-sweet.

I find myself laying on the bathroom floor at 2 AM.
All I want is you.
And I know you want me too.
I remember that day... that wonderful moment in time.
I close my eyes and I picture myself in your arms.

You're holding me to your chest.
Cradling me in your arms, you look deeply into my eyes.
Your beautiful brown eyes... You give me that look, that look of deepest longing.... and...

I wouldn't dare say it.

I start to tear up, my face gets hot.
I don't look away.
You whisper "no... don't be sad"
"I-- I'm not-- I--"
I look away.
The tears are streaming down my face.
You wipe my tears away so carefully, so lovingly.
I look back into those deep, carmel brown eyes.

There's that look again.
And you're kissing me.
I kiss back, my hands tangled in your messy hair.
I'm lost in that moment,
perceiving nothing but our lips moving together,
for a moment I'm exactly where I belong.

I begin to cry.
I'm back on the bathroom floor.
Phone in my hand, recent call: 2 hours, 38 minutes, 53 seconds.
Defeated.

I will never forget.
I refuse to give up.