Ah, that release.
Finally.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
Us.
Lie down with me,
And hold me in your arms.
Yeah I've been feeling everything,
from hate to love,
from love to lust,
from lust to truth,
I guess that's how I know you.
So if you want to be with me,
with these things there's no telling,
we just have to wait and see.
We're still here,
What a beautiful mess this is,
it's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes".
And tides ‒ they turn ‒ and hearts disfigure,
but that's no concern when we're wounded together.
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts,
But it's nice today.
Oh, the wait was so worth it.
All I really wanna do is love you,
a kind much closer than friends use,
but I still can't say it after all we've been through.
And all I really want from you is to feel me,
as the feeling inside keeps building...
And I will find a way to you if it kills me,
if it kills me.
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground,
what have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
The silence isn't so bad,
'till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.
I don't wanna lose you now,
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me.
The vacancy that sat in my heart,
is a space that now you hold.
Show me how to fight for now,
and I'll tell you, baby, it was easy comin' back here to you once I figured it out,
you were right here all along.
And hold me in your arms.
Yeah I've been feeling everything,
from hate to love,
from love to lust,
from lust to truth,
I guess that's how I know you.
So if you want to be with me,
with these things there's no telling,
we just have to wait and see.
We're still here,
What a beautiful mess this is,
it's like taking a guess when the only answer is "Yes".
And tides ‒ they turn ‒ and hearts disfigure,
but that's no concern when we're wounded together.
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts,
But it's nice today.
Oh, the wait was so worth it.
All I really wanna do is love you,
a kind much closer than friends use,
but I still can't say it after all we've been through.
And all I really want from you is to feel me,
as the feeling inside keeps building...
And I will find a way to you if it kills me,
if it kills me.
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground,
what have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
The silence isn't so bad,
'till I look at my hands and feel sad,
'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly.
I don't wanna lose you now,
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me.
The vacancy that sat in my heart,
is a space that now you hold.
Show me how to fight for now,
and I'll tell you, baby, it was easy comin' back here to you once I figured it out,
you were right here all along.
They don't know how long it takes, waiting for a love like this.
Every time we say goodbye, I wish we had one more kiss.
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will.
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend.
Lucky my ass.
{WARNING: Sappy and Overly-Romantic}
I'm so tired.
I'm so tired of all of this.
Every time I start to feel whole again on my own,
Every time I stop feeling like I'm missing a part of myself,
Every time I finally give up,
that's when it hits me.
You hit me.
And then it starts all over again.
The pain.
The sadness.
The nostalgia, so bitter-sweet.
I find myself laying on the bathroom floor at 2 AM.
All I want is you.
And I know you want me too.
I remember that day... that wonderful moment in time.
I close my eyes and I picture myself in your arms.
You're holding me to your chest.
Cradling me in your arms, you look deeply into my eyes.
Your beautiful brown eyes... You give me that look, that look of deepest longing.... and...
I wouldn't dare say it.
I start to tear up, my face gets hot.
I don't look away.
You whisper "no... don't be sad"
"I-- I'm not-- I--"
I look away.
The tears are streaming down my face.
You wipe my tears away so carefully, so lovingly.
I look back into those deep, carmel brown eyes.
There's that look again.
And you're kissing me.
I kiss back, my hands tangled in your messy hair.
I'm lost in that moment,
perceiving nothing but our lips moving together,
for a moment I'm exactly where I belong.
I begin to cry.
I'm back on the bathroom floor.
Phone in my hand, recent call: 2 hours, 38 minutes, 53 seconds.
Defeated.
I will never forget.
I refuse to give up.
I'm so tired.
I'm so tired of all of this.
Every time I start to feel whole again on my own,
Every time I stop feeling like I'm missing a part of myself,
Every time I finally give up,
that's when it hits me.
You hit me.
And then it starts all over again.
The pain.
The sadness.
The nostalgia, so bitter-sweet.
I find myself laying on the bathroom floor at 2 AM.
All I want is you.
And I know you want me too.
I remember that day... that wonderful moment in time.
I close my eyes and I picture myself in your arms.
You're holding me to your chest.
Cradling me in your arms, you look deeply into my eyes.
Your beautiful brown eyes... You give me that look, that look of deepest longing.... and...
I wouldn't dare say it.
I start to tear up, my face gets hot.
I don't look away.
You whisper "no... don't be sad"
"I-- I'm not-- I--"
I look away.
The tears are streaming down my face.
You wipe my tears away so carefully, so lovingly.
I look back into those deep, carmel brown eyes.
There's that look again.
And you're kissing me.
I kiss back, my hands tangled in your messy hair.
I'm lost in that moment,
perceiving nothing but our lips moving together,
for a moment I'm exactly where I belong.
I begin to cry.
I'm back on the bathroom floor.
Phone in my hand, recent call: 2 hours, 38 minutes, 53 seconds.
Defeated.
I will never forget.
I refuse to give up.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Human Connection
I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships in all forms.
For some reason, during the summer time, my relationships seem to fall apart. I broke up with Connor in the summer of 2011 and 2012 (we got back together for December-July of 2011-12), and I broke up with Jonny in July of 2013. But boyfriends aside, it seems my friends disappear around this time as well. I suppose everyone is off doing their own thing, may that be seeing their boyfriend or girlfriend, seeing other friends, working, vacationing with family, or simply just hanging out on their own. Whatever the case, I usually end up being put low enough on people's priority lists that I sometimes don't see them but once or twice during the summer. I don't resent this. I don't resent this because I need time alone and it's a great time for me to grow and develop and form my own ideas and opinions without the influence of other people. Additionally, if things don't happen, they don't happen. I know that's obvious, but I don't get upset (or I try not to get upset) over things that I can't control. My friends don't stay in close contact/have better things to do? Oh well. I can't change that and I wouldn't want to. I want people to talk to me and be my friend and hang out with me only if they really want to.
The more time I spend alone, the more time I think about human connection and my desire for more of it. I honestly do love spending time alone. It's relaxing and calming and stabling and usually pretty enjoyable/fun, but it gets old. Too much time alone leaves me reminiscing on failed relationships of all forms, but mostly failed dating relationships. I get lonely for someone to cuddle, kiss, support and be supported by, and do fun things with. I get lonely for a friend too. Or just someone to talk to. Someone to connect with on any level, but preferably a deep level. For the most part I'm fine and can keep myself entertained, but at some point the loneliness turns into sadness and frustration. I know I'm leaving in six weeks. I know I'll meet TONS of people at OSU and it'll be amazing. I'm sure I'll meet a bunch of awesome new friends and possible guys to date and I'm very excited for that. The problem is, I still have six weeks. Sure, six weeks isn't that long, it'll go by fast. But when you're facing 6 weeks alone (forty days to be exact) it seems like a long time. I'll be fine. I'll make it to OSU. I guess I'm just wary of being alone for another month and a half. But it'll be good. It'll be good if I make it good. I'll take this time to prepare and grow. I'll work, make money, organize and pack, workout, see friends when I can, and blog or write whenever I feel the need. It'll be good.
Human Connection. Yes, that's the intended purpose of this entry. What is connection? Love, hate, friendship, fear. Emotions connected to another person. Yep. That's it. I've spent a lot of time thinking about people I've connected with. Friends, boyfriends, and people I barely know. I think about the connections I've had and how they came to be and what I liked or disliked about them. The hardest part about these connections is losing them. I'm afraid of lost connection. It makes me sad ): But then I think about connections I still have. And connections to look forward to. In the end I get so tired of thinking about it all that I just give up and distract my mind with a movie or video game. That's how it goes with me lately. I exhaust myself with thinking about everything and end up getting tired of it. It always helps me though, to think about things until I tire of them, or to write them down. Or in this case, both. With that being said: I'm done for now.
For some reason, during the summer time, my relationships seem to fall apart. I broke up with Connor in the summer of 2011 and 2012 (we got back together for December-July of 2011-12), and I broke up with Jonny in July of 2013. But boyfriends aside, it seems my friends disappear around this time as well. I suppose everyone is off doing their own thing, may that be seeing their boyfriend or girlfriend, seeing other friends, working, vacationing with family, or simply just hanging out on their own. Whatever the case, I usually end up being put low enough on people's priority lists that I sometimes don't see them but once or twice during the summer. I don't resent this. I don't resent this because I need time alone and it's a great time for me to grow and develop and form my own ideas and opinions without the influence of other people. Additionally, if things don't happen, they don't happen. I know that's obvious, but I don't get upset (or I try not to get upset) over things that I can't control. My friends don't stay in close contact/have better things to do? Oh well. I can't change that and I wouldn't want to. I want people to talk to me and be my friend and hang out with me only if they really want to.
The more time I spend alone, the more time I think about human connection and my desire for more of it. I honestly do love spending time alone. It's relaxing and calming and stabling and usually pretty enjoyable/fun, but it gets old. Too much time alone leaves me reminiscing on failed relationships of all forms, but mostly failed dating relationships. I get lonely for someone to cuddle, kiss, support and be supported by, and do fun things with. I get lonely for a friend too. Or just someone to talk to. Someone to connect with on any level, but preferably a deep level. For the most part I'm fine and can keep myself entertained, but at some point the loneliness turns into sadness and frustration. I know I'm leaving in six weeks. I know I'll meet TONS of people at OSU and it'll be amazing. I'm sure I'll meet a bunch of awesome new friends and possible guys to date and I'm very excited for that. The problem is, I still have six weeks. Sure, six weeks isn't that long, it'll go by fast. But when you're facing 6 weeks alone (forty days to be exact) it seems like a long time. I'll be fine. I'll make it to OSU. I guess I'm just wary of being alone for another month and a half. But it'll be good. It'll be good if I make it good. I'll take this time to prepare and grow. I'll work, make money, organize and pack, workout, see friends when I can, and blog or write whenever I feel the need. It'll be good.
Human Connection. Yes, that's the intended purpose of this entry. What is connection? Love, hate, friendship, fear. Emotions connected to another person. Yep. That's it. I've spent a lot of time thinking about people I've connected with. Friends, boyfriends, and people I barely know. I think about the connections I've had and how they came to be and what I liked or disliked about them. The hardest part about these connections is losing them. I'm afraid of lost connection. It makes me sad ): But then I think about connections I still have. And connections to look forward to. In the end I get so tired of thinking about it all that I just give up and distract my mind with a movie or video game. That's how it goes with me lately. I exhaust myself with thinking about everything and end up getting tired of it. It always helps me though, to think about things until I tire of them, or to write them down. Or in this case, both. With that being said: I'm done for now.
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